BookRix

Hi Gurpartap,

It's good to see you've written another piece. I've had a short look at present and have some suggestions for you.

Pg 1: ...I had been working, surrounded by the usual sounds of the telephone ringing impertinently, impatiently; sentences thrown at each other across the hall; peals of laughter, machines whirring... I'm not sure the adverbs 'impertinently' and 'impatiently' are necessary here. Also, you've begun the sentence in past tense with 'had been', 'surrounded', 'thrown', and then moved to present tense, 'peals of laughter' and 'machines whirring'.

I like your use of simile 'like a gramophone record played at the wrong speed'.

I think your work would benefit from a breaking down of your paragraph sizes. This assists the reader in giving smaller chunks of information to digest at a time. I've also noticed you use the term 'as if' a bit, you could probably do away with it and the sentence would not be at all affected.

You do have a good understanding of the way characters move and behave, which helps make the situation seem real. I really think your work would benefit with a strict edit, getting rid of words not needed, making sure your tense is consistent and breaking your work into smaller, more easily digestible paragraphs.

Good luck with the contest. I would be happy to re-read again, let me know when you've finished editing.

Bek :)

I really enjoyed your story. You are a talented author and this one could be made into a novel. The book needs a cover. Perhaps the painting of the wife would be the one. It's your choice of course../joeparente