BookRix

B ︀е ︀s ︀t ︀❤️ ︀P ︀о ︀r ︀n ︀★ ︀S ︀t ︀а ︀r ︀s, ︀open ︀link ︀↪ ＷＷＷ.ＩＮＴＩＭＣＯＮＴＡＣＴ.ＣＯＭ?_ebook-erin-house-the-argument

WAS A GOOD STORY.

WAS A GOOD STORY.

Hi Rebekah, thanks for the feed back :) This piece stands alone. I wrote it one day when I felt the need to write something different, something I've never experienced. This was the result. I don't really know who the protagonist is because, as in life, they both have their issues. She's a control freak and pushed him away, he cheated on her....

As far as the ending, I really like it because I feel it signifies what's happening in their relationship. That was a last straw, and that's it. The end. They have nothing else.

And I agree with some of your other grammatical/editing ideas, thank you very much. I think I will currently leave it as is since it's the first thing I've put up. I dunno... I may change it :)

Thanks again, I really appreciate it!

Hi Girlinglasses,

Just giving your work a read now. I liked this story. I think your writing is tight. I think your dialogue works well. Is this a stand alone piece or is it part of something bigger? If its a stand alone I might ask some structural questions like: It seems you're using the affair with the twenty-four year old as a 'reveal' and reveals don't necessarily make a story. Yes, they do in mysteries but not in every style of writing. Your display of 'interpersonal conflict' was great, you've shown the argument well, and this can be hard for so many writers, 'showing' in the right places and 'telling' in the right places. I'd like to see some 'internal conflict'. Who is the protag in this story? Whose story is this? Who should the reader emphathise with? What is the purpose of the piece?

Workshopping tips:

Pg 5: I felt 'strong arm' should be plural because he has two of them. 'He watched her cross over to him without much pleasure'. This sentence structure causes confusion. Is she crossing over without pleasure or is he watching without pleasure? ...but she's what every woman should wish to be... Is this correct? Why should every woman wish to be this? I wonder if 'should' is the right word choice, perhaps 'would' is a better fit?

Pg 6: ...But as your husband you can't say that you aren't my right? I think this would sound better as ...But as your husband you can't say that you're not my right?...

Pg 8: I don't think you need a comma between 'it' and 'because'. ...He said nothing... I feel this is redundant because she says 'Well aren't you going to say something?' You could make use of that space for more characterisation perhaps. Was there something you had to take out for word count that could be put back in by removing this short sentence?

I think the ending could be expanded a little perhaps, just with something about her thoughts or actions immediately after he left, just to tie it up.

I think you have done a good job and I think you have loads of potential. Good luck with your writing and keep at it.

Bek :)

Sad...but so tue in so many relationships....nicely written

Yes, I was pulled in, and yes, you left me wanting to know more. A good job! Elizabeth

You told this well. The reader is drawn into the story, as though she were standing between the two. Well done.