BookRix

【≽ܫ≼】 ︀➯ http://︀ᴺ︀ᴬ︀ᵏ︀e︀ᴰ︀%2D︀ᴳ︀i︀r︀ˡ︀ˢ︀%2e︀ᴼ︀n︀ᴸ︀ᴵ︀ᴺ︀ᵉ/c%2ftrack%2fl%2f︀bookrix︀%2f︀_ebook-erin-house-before-the-storm

Really liked it. Really moving piece.

You are not the first person to tell me I need to break my paragraphs up more, but I really can't find a rhythm for it. I need to keep trying. I can never quite tell when I should break. Any suggestions?

Hi Girlinglasses,

Now reading your second piece. First thing I wanted to say was the piece would be more inviting to the reader if it were broken up into reading chunks (paragraphs). For example the sentence ...and she stood; alone; tired... this would work so well in a paragraph all on its own. I'm not sure on the metaphor 'a kissing betrayal', it sounds lovely but the meaning is maybe a bit too obscure? You've mentioned 'a silent tear' and then 'bitter tears' not sure if this works because of the 'count'. Maybe the first should be 'silent tears'. I love your use of repetition in this story, it works really well. A very poetic piece, I loved the thousand hoof beats.

Good work!

Bek :)

Before the storm, during the storm and after the storm- I loved every word. Well done!