BookRix

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I have a few suggestions. I'm not looking to be mean, so don't take my suggestions to be critical or derogatory in nature. I'm just trying to help.

I would lose the diary entry. It didn't hold my interest, I read one paragraph and then skimmed the rest of it and didn't pick up much in the way of plot or direction from what I skimmed. I totally realize that's probably my fault for not taking the time to really read it but I couldn't get myself to focus so I moved on to where dialogue was happening.

I once heard a great writer said the most important thing in a story is voice. You should be able to hear the different characters, their individual voices in your head while you're reading. I'm not hearing their voices. They need something that makes them individual, makes them standout. It's really hard, especially when first writing a story to not give every character your voice. I've heard it makes it easier if you write out or storyboard their life. You should know everything about every character. That will make it easier to realize when a character is saying something that someone with their life experience and background probably wouldn't say. I'm not saying all your dialogue is bad. I just don't hear a lot of individual voices coming out of it.

While I am a big fan of random dialogue, (I use it a lot) I feel like it should have a purpose. Dialogue should either move the story forward or provide comic relief. I'm not seeing that in your dialogue. It doesn't necessarily have to be leading and it definitely doesn't need to be narrative, but it should have some sort of purpose that moves the story forward. That's a nuance that hard to explain and even harder to teach. But the best way to learn it is to read. I like Gillian Flynn, Stephen King, Emily Giffin, Stephenie Meyer and Charlaine Harris. They really know how to move a story along and keep your interest through dialogue.

I hope this is at least a little helpful.