BookRix

It is really good. But you have to be carefull with the tenses. I like the idea and I like how you left us in the end. So make more! :)

I LIKE IT, NO LOVE IT!!!! MAKE MORE!!!

You're jumping from present tense to past. Be careful with the tenses. I agree with the other comments regarding an outline. Too many characters tend to confuse.

I agree you have a good start and an interesting premise. My best advice for your next step (and not because I've done great at it yet:) is to create a thorough outline for your story. It sounds like it's going to have a lot of characters and locations and a good outline will help you keep it all straight. Good luck!!

It's a good start. Try showing instead of telling. This is something I struggle with too. You have to show your reader what is going on, not tell them. That way they can visualize the main character in there mind and follow him easily. For example; instead of telling them your mom is angry you could say my mom screamed at the top of her lungs as she overthrew the chairs in the dining room. Try this exercise. Take a word such as angry and write a whole paragraph without mentioning that particular word. I'm just beginning to understand the concept of this. I'm revising a couple of my books because I have recently learned this technique. It's actually quite fun instead of saying he was mad or sad or depress. You might say tears streamed down his face as he held his head in his hands.