BookRix

Thank you greghuber :)

This was excellent!

reminded of those horror comics from the seventies where the ordinary turned into the horror at the end...

You're welcome. I'm so glad you enjoyed it.

Thanks for all the comments everyone.

I enjoyed your story so far let me know when there is more.Serena

really great storie let me know when you have more

I notice the same sentence structure problem as ‘writingmum’, otherwise you captured the feeling of being at sea, the crusty old captain with the eye patch on one eye and the other one staring at you like the eye of a fish (I’m paraphrasing here) . You hid the true meaning of the “Kraken” to the very end. Excellent! Now I’m wondering how you are going to develop the rest of the story. I’m eager to read the rest.

Jack

I really want to read the rest now! Your descriptions were amazing - I've done a lot of boat-fishing and my first time left me feeling that same dead-fish-induced nausea experienced by your main character. You really captured the atmosphere (I swear I could almost hear the waves slapping against the sides of the ship)! Wonderful job!

You have a flaw in your writing that I wanted to mention, because i recognise it as something I do, and I have to force myself not to.

I'm not sure what its called, technically, but you'll know what i mean if you go back to your word document and see the sentence highlighted in red. It's doing that because the structure of the sentence is grammatically incorrect.

Here's an example...

You wrote:

1. ...asked Bill, sitting on a barrel, dried up hands caressing the...

2. I turned away, the smoke like poison...

3. I brushed back my black hair - slippery like an eel - waiting for Bill to...

4. A black eye patch covered his other - a souvenir from...

There are two ways of amending these sentences. I'll give you both instances but bear in mind the use of a semi-colon should be avoided wherever possible. You can't get away with not having them, (personally, I love 'em) but try not to go overboard. (No pun intended)

1....asked Bill, sitting on a barrel with his dried-up hands caressing the...

2. I turned away. The smoke was like poison...

3. I brushed back my black hair; slippery like an eel, waiting for Bill to...

4. A black eye patch covered his other; a souvenir from...

Hope you see what i mean.

Also don't do so many tags. We know who's talking most of the time, as long as the structure of the sentences is correct.

Good luck
Wendy