BookRix

Great story idea good start but sure a book could always have a change to it, but i would like to read more of it :)

I agree with felixthecat. You do have a good story, but you should make some changes.

I do like the way you pull things together, but start off in a different way to build your story.

I am learning too. Yes, it is a process.

I look forward to reading your finished story. :)

Hi Desmond:)
Here's an exercise for you to think about doing...
Take that first page...just that one for now...and do not tell a thing. SHOW it to us in-scene. Think hard about that. Read Mary Walz' stories, or mine :), or Stevie.Grace's. Calypso. Study HOW I/they "tell" a story. We show it.

You have an intriguing premise, now work on building it. Cast your story. Give us details about who your characters really are in a real life situation with cars and trucks and the smell of flowers or asphalt (for example). CREATE a world we can walk in with your characters! You will lengthen the story, but take your time:) You have plenty of that.
Also, check your tense agreements and minor typos.
Read a LOT. How do the good ones do it?
You can too!