BookRix

I'll take your suggestions into consideration. :)

Maybe try this:
Remove your last line and leave your ending as it was.
Put the 'brother' thread into the story e.g Page 6:
"Marry me, Lotia."
"I don't know, Aaron." I leaned my head against his shoulder. "You know how my brother is opposed to our marriage."

Then P7 para5:
I saw my brother running away from someone laying on the ground.

Or something like that...It's just a suggestion. Do what you feel comfortable with.
Hope that helps
Wendy

I added a few things; please tell me what you think of it now!

Thank you!

So powerful and so creatively composed. You can't be only thirteen, you are much too wise and clever for such a young age.
I thought the way you described the shot, leaving the reader guessing if it really was Aaron was very good.
I would have liked something more at the end. What the girl was feeling, who shot Aaron and why.
He wanted to show her something at the hotel...What was it...You can't leave things like this hanging there doing nothing...you don't have to 'tell' it, just leave the reader knowing what it is.
Daxteriana, (Beautiful name) If you can write like this now, you must keep at it so that you can learn how to be an proficient writer one day.
Observe and experience everything.
Good luck with the competition
Wendy