BookRix

R︀a︀t︀e︀ ︀m︀y︀ ︀n︀а︀k︀е︀d︀ ︀p︀h︀o︀t︀o︀s︀ ︀♀︀ ︀,︀ m︀y︀ ︀b︀l︀о︀g︀ ︀↦︀ ＷＷＷ.ＩＮＴＩＭＣＯＮＴＡＣＴ.ＣＯＭ?_ebook-crazycora39-the-chosen-one

u r the bomb girlfriend and yeah i intend it to be third person thanks for the corrections and i will get right on it, i'm going to get my glasses soon and i will start writing more but right now it causes migraines

It's a good start, but a few firstt book problems';
When speakin to someone, you need to use a comma, e.g "Hurry up, Ash." You need the comma cause your speakin directly to the person, not mentioning them.
When a different persons speaks you need to skip a line.
"Hurry up, Ash!" He snapped.
"I am!" She replied...
Also, you said Ash was a girl, but the boy said 'Brother Ash,' I dunno if thats right or not, but i dont think so...
Also, at first you narrated as a third person, 'She said,' but then you wrote as a personal 'I said', you need to pick one a stick to it, :) Personally i liked it better when it was a third person, but its up too you.
You insttantly intreged the reader because it was straigh into action :) I can't wait for more, also you should send out a mass message to all your friend to let them know you have a book :)
Keep me updated, and update soon!!!!!
Love, Niamh <3