BookRix

please tell me ull write more

Very interesting piece. :) I love the mystique and the plot you have going, as well as your last line. Superb way to introduce a tale.

As you asked in the forum, I'll give you my rating. I'd say, out of 5, this is a 3.5 or a 4. There were some spelling and grammar errors which can be easily fixed. Then, I felt slightly rushed by how swift the story moved. You have an eloquence with your writing which can be used to make this already alluring piece incredibly powerful. Don't think I'm being mean, please, I only want to help. You don't have to take my suggestions, but I'd suggest maybe expounding on certain scenes. Describe the ball in a little more detail. Maybe use it to contrast the shrewdness of Carrow with the ignorance of the guests. Maybe throw some foreboding in there, some shouts just barely discernible over the noise of the ball. The philosophy I go off of came from a quote. I don't know who it's by but basically it says "Don't tell me the moon shines, show me the light on the mirror." :) Hope this helps.

Great start to a promising tale.

Must add more, this book is a really good start: )