Very good! I loved it! I'll try and finish reading in the morning ;)
I do, however, have some critiques:
The first time your main character speaks, the sentences after it confused me a bit and I felt as if you went off an another topic. Maybe make a new paragraph, or say
"I said, making sure that my astonishment showed in each word."
instead of just saying:
"I made sure that my astonishment showed in each word."
But hey, that's just my opinion ;)
Now you don't have to tell me that Lee is short for Liam(Lee's full name) right off the bat. If you're going to call him Lee most of the time, it isn't too crucial to know that his full name is Liam and he goes by Lee.
Now on the first page, there was a sentence that stopped me dead in my tracks:
"Something that being royalty had allowed him to get away with."
After reading this again, I understand what you're trying to say, but a reader should be able to understand the meaning of a sentence right away. Maybe try rewording it like such:
"And being royalty, this allowed him to get away with it."
Also, the two sentences before the one above repeats the word 'day' in both sentences. And since it isn't purposeful, it sounds very redundant, though it really isn't.
Maybe try combining the sentences to make it flow more easily.
Maybe try something like:
"Lee, having never spent a single moment in his entire life doing anything productive, spent his days figuring out ways to wreak havoc on and annoy anyone he could."
Oh, and I did notice some minor punctuation errors. The first one I noticed was on the first page:
"Lee however took the cake when it came to the rotten part."
LOVE this sentence! Oh my goodness, I cracked a smile while a read this! (Very rare for me, if you didn't know). To make this even better, just add commas:
"Lee, however, took the cake when it came to the rotten part."
Anyway, if you go over the story yourself, you'll find the punctuation mistakes ;)
And I'd add an exclamation point at the end of the last sentence on the first page:
"This was risky, even for him!"
instead of
"This was risky, even for him."
This adds emphasis and emotion to the words.
Another mistake you made is when you sometimes slipped into present-tense when the rest of the story is in past.
Oh... this sentence really confused me:
"The king's under aged, trouble making children being the one exception."
I really can't get my mind around this one... I don't understand!
Oh! And here's another set of sentences that could be fixed:
"We both instantly froze, listening for anyone who might have head the noise and come to check it out. After several seconds, neither hearing the sound of someone approaching or voices, I let out a stifled giggle."
I'd consider changing it up a little:
"Instantly, we froze, both of us pricking our ears to see if anyone had heard the noise and decided to come check it out. After several heart thumping seconds, with neither the sound of approaching foot steps, or voices, I let out a stifled giggle."
I also find that you don't describe your settings too much. That's not always bad, but it might be nice to give me a feeling of the place or back round that the characters are in.
And I know I say this almost every time I do a review... but please make the paragraphs more defined! Either put five spaces in front of each new paragraph, or double space them.
I don't know why, but the words seem to clump together after a while.
Also, you keep describing Lee's speech as "he teased." Mix it up a bit and use some different words!
I loved this sentence:
"I grabbed three, and he grabbed four."
hehe :D
But the sentence after the following sentence confused me:
"Neither of us had ever drank much before. It wouldn't take nearly this much before we'd pass out but I didn't ask questions, I just followed his lead."
Again, the punctuation and sentences structure is lacking a little. Maybe try something like this:
"And though neither of us had ever drank more than a cup or two before, I knew that it wouldn't even take a whole bottle before we'd pass out. But I didn't ask questions. I just followed his lead."
Sorry for so many little critiques, but I just love this story and my minds is on hyper speed today :)
Ok. I see that your characters speech isn't personalized. The words are a little too formal. Change it up! Give your character an accent, or bad grammar, or a stutter, or long wordy lines, or anything than just perfect speech! And try not to be too redundant or simplistic in the speakers words either. Imperfection in a characters words gives personality.
An on a not so positive note, I'd like to say that using curse or cuss words doesn't make any character sound 'cool'. When a character curses, the reader no longer takes him/her seriously and immediately drawls the judgement that the author is amateur and childish. This, unfortunately, makes the reader put the book down and look for another.
Oh, and this is probably a mistake you overlooked:
"I then followed him out of my room and into the hall where he continued to march us through the castle."
Shouldn't the 'us' be 'me' since there is no one else Aeron is marching down the hall?
Also, here's another section that you could fix up a bit:
"They did however warn me to leave the search for Liam up to them and the Royal Guard. They seemed almost overly determined to keep me out of it claiming they had enough to deal with without me getting myself in MORE trouble. They informed me my punishment for disobeying would be an exile to my Aunt's house, three Provinces over, for the entire summer.
Here's what I would do with it:
"My parents also instructed me to leave the search up to them and the Royal Guards. Obviously, they all seemed determined to keep me out of everything, claiming that there were already enough problems at hand, and additional problems would just worsen the situation. And adding to all of this, they informed me that if I disobeyed they instructions, I would be exiled to my Aunt's house for the entire summer! And that place was three Provinces away..."
There are more little mistakes like these, including some tiny spelling errors. You should go through the entire book yourself and find them. I find that this helps with your own, personal writing skills!
Overall, I think this was great! (Unfortunately, I didn't get to finish the whole thing today, since it's so late at night. But what I read was interesting!)
The story is kind of stereotypical in the beginning with the spoiled teenage royalty, but it's good! I think you did a great job.
The only thing that I'd wished you would have added was more dialogue between Liam, Ade, Annabelle, and the other friends. Again, if you'd described the different scenes and interactions between characters, I'd be able to feel more of Ade's pain and sense of betrayal.
This was Amazing!
Keep Writing!
---RbG
