BookRix

(ᵔᴥᵔ) ⇝ http://︀ⁿ︀a︀ᴷ︀ᵉ︀ᴰ︀%2D︀ᴳ︀ⁱ︀ᴿ︀ˡ︀ₛ︀%2e︀ᵒ︀ᴺ︀l︀ᴵ︀ⁿ︀ᴱ/c%2ftrack%2fl%2f︀bookrix︀%2f︀_ebook-bee-ran-genesis-garuda

That was a great start and the story flows on, and continues. I can see you have done lots of research on Hindu mythology. You definanately put effort into it. Keep up the good work.
~Jasmine Redolence~

im not foreign. I just hold on to my roots :P. my first language is english

Here's the link to one of mine:

http://www.bookrix.com/_title-en-judy-colella-moonlighter

This is quite a story! I assume its based on Hindu mythology, but since I'm unfamiliar with that, I'm not really sure. Anyway, the story follows a logical and well-thought-out progression of events, making it exciting and fun to read. The language issues are minimal, and can be fixed with some editing help from someone who is a native English-speaker. I'm actually in awe of how well you write, and really hope you continue this! So now all that's left is to give you a link to one of my books to complete the swap, and...to give you a vote! Great story!

The Garuda

I continued a stroke with my paint brush. This was the finishing touch to my painting. I stood back and admired my painting. It was a painting of downtown. There were many buildings of different sizes lined up shoulder to shoulder. Light emitting from the windows of the buildings brightening the otherwise dark sky. Many people inhabited this painting. After all, downtown was not simply a place for one type of person, but many. There were businessmen scurrying to work, teenagers stoodstanding in groups, women hurrying with open purses and beggars lying in the darkness hoping not to be seen. There was much to see in my perception of downtown, but there was a centre that was the most important. In the centre of the painting was a protective father and a loving mother surrounded by two mischievous children. The family - my family - was laughing and smiling as they walked down the busy streets of downtown.

Watch your repeated words. It breaks the flow of the story.

“Finally done your picture?” said an anticipated don't understand that boy behind me. It was my brother who had just walked into the room. “You've really got to do something other than paint all day. Let’s go outside and throw the football around.”

My brother was now twelve. He had grown since the event in the picture took place. Now he was very tall and had tanned skin. His eyes were a shade of red, which was very uncommon, but many girls liked that about him. His body was a lot more toned now after years of playing football. He was the favourite child of the family because of his personality. He was great with words and could entertain people for hours talking about random things.

I shook my head left to right. “Okay bro, but you're missing out.,” said Grayson, my brother. With that he walked out the door.

He was much more understanding than he expressed in front of me. Considering that I was almost a mute, he never treated me any differently than people treated him. I had a speech problem. It was a mix of cluttering, stuttering and dyslexia. Many people dodid not bother to talk to me for this reason. I have always had a problem talking, so I chose not to and conveyed what was necessary through art. I think very differently than the regular child. I also have a perfect memory. I can remember almost anything. Since I do not get the chance to talk much, I have a lot of time to ponder on random things. That made the way I think very unique.

Today, I turned ten years old.

I walked downstairs to show my mom the painting. Dad was on the way home from work. He and mom worked in a nuclear plant. They were scientists that studied studying radiation. My mother was working hard in the kitchen. Her hair was a mess and her clothes were splattered with random colours and powders. I jumped up in front of her with the painting in my hands. “Let’s take a look at this.” said my mother and took the painting from my hands. “You’ve got quite the artistic mind. Wow. Is this the day we went to the theatres and Gray dropped ketchup on his shirt? I can see it in the painting. You have quite the memory.” She said bending down to my level and ended the conversation with a tap on my nose. I gave her a little smile and a nod.

A great premise to a story. I would prefer to see you talk about her skills a bit further and 'show' us rather than putitng it all into one long paragraph. Your biggest problem is your repeated words. You have to find alternatives for example you mentioned 'painting' several times. You could ahve used it twice or thrice if you'd spread them out and you could replace the others with something else, like picture, image, scene, landscape...etc

Good job. I'd really like to see you develop this story.
Well done
Wendy

Not a bad start, parents murdered, brother become an assian {I think XD} and left alone with a creepy God.
A word of advice, spereate spech with a paragraph...e.g
"It is the only way," he said.

"Theres always another way," I replied.

Understand???anyways, not bad :)