BookRix

It's a good attempt. You have some nice ideas and use good descriptives. But the over all story is far too rushed; you have compressed what comes across as a long time period into a few paragraphs. You need to go back and- the only word that seems appropriate is 'stretch'. Yes, you need to stretch out your story line and focus more on certain points like their actual friendship. But apart from the that minor point (Or maybe not so minor) it's good.

Good job, especially considering how young you are. I think you have a great outline, now you need to go back and start filling in some additional details to help take the reader into your world.
Rue

An excellent effort from some one of your age, congrats

Great Read Well Done.

interesting read

great read !

Great first story....keep it up..and do your mother proud.

Laz

Hi babe

Very good first attempt at writing a story,but you should add a lil more description something I am willing to help you with. Great ideas, and you could extend if you want to.
well done on your first story, you made your mother proud xxx