BookRix

I must say, a very strange story... and strangely executed. But super cool! Super, super cool.

However, I do have some critiques:

First off, the text is a bit hard to read, as all the letters in all the words are in caps. Yikes! It looks like children's handwriting ;) You don't need to change it, though it's a bit distracting.

Now, to the actual story.

I beg you, please use the character's name when describing him or his thoughts. Please! When you keep saying He, He, He, I get immensely confused. Who is he? Which he is he? What is his influence on the other he? Yikes! Please put some names in there!

I like the comedy you placed in the work, though sometimes it's a bit too obvious. Maybe make one or two of those hints a bit more abrupt..? But only in some spots. Some of the lines are good long ;)

And as bookzilla said... why did you switch from third person to first person? I don't understand :P Before I realized what you did, I thought the narrator was suddenly part of the story!

At the very end, I wondered if Beeron got his ears back. And the dialogue was strange, though it fit perfectly with the rest of the story. However, I wanted to know if he was remembering an event passed, or if the event was actually taking place in that moment and time.

Overall, it was an interestingly cool piece of work. Really cool! Of course you have some editing to do, as there are many grammar errors strewn throughout the whole book, but it was still good. A bit confusing, but good.

Very funny!

Great job!
Keep writing!

---RbG

if you haven't already, you should be reading anything by Douglas Adams or Terry Pratchett. I'm also assuming that you love Monty Python and would find Saturday Night Live's "Deep Thoughts."

i'm confused at the bottom of page 8, you suddenly change the story to first person... why?

you've got a few more small mistakes, i can help you with them if you'd like.

otherwise, let me know when you add more, i'm excited to read the rest!