BookRix

amazing....

Was that the ending??? Is there more??? Please let me know.

really good book..

Hey. Txs. and yeah, you definitely point out alot of stuff. Aha I agree, it is rather kiddyishly written, i need to work on that. Yeah everything you said XD Thaaanks

You have the talent to hooking your readers. Amazing. Though there are some grammar mistakes strewn throughout the work, the story has overridden most of the mistakes, and the result is a near perfect piece! Bravo.

I do, however, have several critiques:

In the second paragraph of the first chapter, you say:

"Well, recently, everyday has been tough."

It seems you're writing in past tense, so shouldn't 'has' be 'had'?

And your writing is very good. You know how to hook a reader! However, your work has a younger feel to it, as you sometimes place small, simple words in spots that might be correct, but aren't necessary. This makes the work feel less mature, though this isn't particularly a bad thing, so don't worry too much about it.

In the E-mail that Andrew Gray receives(on page 9), I think you could take out the part of the e-mail that says ..."we need your help.", as it is a bit obvious. You could simply connect the first two sentences, maybe like this:

"A situation has arrived, and we need you over at the briefing room. Immediately."

You could actually have those two sentences(but, of course, YOUR own rewriting of the original three) as the whole e-mail! And since Andrew Gray says that the message is "Nice and concise.", I'd assume it to be so(as it's a bit redundant at the moment).

And you tend to list what your characters do a lot. You'll say that your character tossed this, walked there, let himself go here, he looked like this, etc.. This can make your work feel like a list, so be careful when you're describing what the character is doing.

Lastly, put some personality into your characters speech! I have already fallen in love with them, by how they are described, but I want their words to be just as unique as they are. And really, would someone speak as they think? Would they really use all those extravagant words in a short conversation? I know I don't! ;)
And since the dialogue is very stiff and a bit awkward, I don't understand the relationship between the two characters. When you write dialogue, ask yourself 'what would I do, or say in this situation?'. This usually will get you the most believable results.

Overall, very, VERY interesting! A superb story! You've done an amazing job, you should be extremely proud of yourself.

Awesome job!
Keep writing!

---RbG

Heya Arthur...I finally got around to reading it :D I really liked it :P

Thanks a lot for the comment. I really appreciate the advice and the support.
Thanks again.:)

Hi Arthur, you have the start of a very good mystery here and with a little work; it could be perfect. I think you need to go through it and look at some of the areas where you use a bit too much description concerning the action because it slows the flow of the story.

For instance, when they enter the lift to go to the briefing room your readers don’t need to be told Andrew is pushing buttons or the doors are opening and closing. Well done, I look forward to reading more of this story.

Carol x

I saved it!

Thanks alot!