BookRix

♥ ︀➪ ｗｗｗ．ｄａｔｅ４ｆｕｑ．ｃｏｍ?_ebook-artemismoon-xiorynia-battle-to-save-xiorynia

Interesting story. It's a good start you've got here :) Good job!

However, the prologue was a tad confusing, as I didn't understand who was speaking/talking/thinking. Whichever ;)

Now be careful that you don't switch tenses. I see how you were trying to write out E'Naleea's thought process, but it only confused me. Make sure the thoughts of a character either stay in the chosen tense, or are in italics or quotation marks.

Also, do not forget punctuation. It is like salt. It should not overwhelm the piece, but needs to be there for the food to be tasteful.

As for the story, in the beginning during E'Naleea's training I find the dialogue a bit awkward. It's not.. real, if I can say so. One way to make sure that your dialogue is believable is to read it aloud as if you're playing both characters and you're acting in a movie. If anything seems lacking, you'll find it that way.

Now some of the syntax of several of your sentences seems slightly wacky to me. So make sure all that's right.

Otherwise, good job! You've got talent, so work hard and don't stop. Because writing, like any sport, takes hard work and time to master.

Great job!
Keep writing!

---RbG

Its awsome!!!, amazing!!! creative!!!! well watever it is, its better than that vampire-werewolf- romance crap i see all the time!! more please :)

Great start so far. I have one recommendation if you don't mind. The prologue should include a little more detail. For example, the mysterious character speaking, it would be nice if you could detail a little more info there. I am not saying you have to reveal who-or what-the character is, but maybe give some indication as to surroundings of the speaker, perhaps even where this speaker is, in a distant land maybe looking into his or her crystal ball at the Kingdom of Xiorynia. Just a thought. I just thought the prologue was lacking some, but the rest of your story is neat and makes me want to read more. I like the idea of this book so I hope that you continue with it. Good luck.