Ok, first thing I noticed (before I even started reading) was that you capitalized almost EVERY SINGLE LETTER in the whole entire story... This is not very attractive to readers and makes the reader feel as if you are YELLING AT THEM! haha ;) You're going to want to fix that.
Second, your spelling & punctuation is really off and there seems to be no spaces in-between any of the sentences! Ah! You really need to fix that as... mehr anzeigen
Ok, first thing I noticed (before I even started reading) was that you capitalized almost EVERY SINGLE LETTER in the whole entire story... This is not very attractive to readers and makes the reader feel as if you are YELLING AT THEM! haha ;) You're going to want to fix that.
Second, your spelling & punctuation is really off and there seems to be no spaces in-between any of the sentences! Ah! You really need to fix that as well.
And as a general rule, you're supposed to put in a new line every time you change speakers. Plus, you should probably put some quotations around what each person is saying.
To add to that, you're grammar is off as well. Here's an example:
"We was thinking that you could go to camp instead of basketball practice and you could go to basketball next year if you have enough for your basketball classes."
'We was thinking' should be "We were thinking" or "I was thinking".
Over all, I couldn't tell! The way you capitalized all the letters really threw me off and I could barely understand the story.
I did get, however, that Jordan argued with his parents and didn't go to camp but went to basketball practice.
It could be very a interesting story if you put more description in and made it easier on the readers eyes.
---RbG
um..... i don't know who the fuck did this story cause i did not..... i guess someone used my account??