BookRix

Well, this was very unexpected. And though I'm not one to enjoy stories from the suspense or horror genres (Halloween, Dead People, Zombies, Ghosts, etc.), this one I actually enjoyed! You really made me like this genre, or at least changed my mind about it. Somewhat ;)

Great job!

However, I do have some critiques:

First off, you don't need to explain how a name sounds. The reader(s) will figure it out. Don't worry ;) Also, if you really want to explain how the name sounds, then let your narrator explain in. Using parenthesis, in my opinion, isn't the best way to go.

Also, make sure the characters words/the dialogue is properly punctuated and matches the mood of the character(whether it be frustrated, happy, sad, reflective, etc.). I believe that if someone says "Urg", there would be an exclamation after the word, not a period.

There are several punctuation errors in your work. I'd advise you to go over the story and fix it all. What really helps is if you read the work aloud, and this will help you catch 99.9 percent of all your mistakes. Seriously. It really does work.

Lastly, though the story was cute, I think it's missing a bunch of 'stuff'. Add more descriptions! What do the characters look like? What kind of attitudes does each have? Where are they? Who are they? All I saw when I read were names... I would like to be able to see faces too. And don't be afraid to describe the surroundings, and not only what everything looks like, but what it feels like, sounds like, and even smells like! This will really make your work 'awesome'. And describe how the characters speak, not just what they say.

Otherwise, I like the story. A spine tingling tale with a happy ending. Well done, I say again, well done!

Great job!
Keep writing!

---RbG

Needs a bit of editing. Otherwise, cool story.

Weird... So she was like a ghost or something?

I can promise you this story isn't really scary because I wrote it when I was quite young.

Thanks you ;)

I Didnt read it becouse it looked To Scary :P

I Didnt read it becouse it looked To Scary :P

I Didnt read it becouse it looked To Scary :P

I Didnt read it becouse it looked To Scary :P

amazig story xxx