BookRix

this needs sooooo much editing!!

Very Nice, I like it so far cant wait until you update!!

1. Rewrite your blurb - a blurb is not meant to be a scene out of the book. It's a brief summation of the story.

And I do realize this is just the beginning of your book - so with each new chapter think of it as an episode of your favorite TV show - what would the preview be? Think of how that voice-over actor would try to entice you to watch the next episode...

"Tamuril Nenharma has seen bloodshed before. She knows firsthand what The Hunters are capable of. Three years ago she was forced to flee her home and her clan when The Hunters attacked. And now they are on the outskirts of the new place she calls home. She is the only one who can save her kind, the elves. But it will not be an easy task."

That blurb pretty much sums up what I gathered from reading what you've written.

2. Now that the OUTER of the book has been addressed - let's look at some things on the inside.

A. Count how many times you use the word 'as' (As I was, as he did, as, as, as...) Try to avoid using that word unless it is absolutely necessary. Take, for instance, this sentence from your book.

B. Although using words like 'quizzically' sound really cool - avoid using them. SHOW us what quizzically is DON'T TELL the reader what the expression is.

C. Very is another word like 'as' - it's a telling word.

Let's look at one of the sentences from your book...

As I stared quizzically at him he reached over to a chest and pulled out a very long, very normal scarf that was a shade of dark purple.

The only real punctuation you have in it is a comma. Knowing this, read straight through the sentence without any pauses except for where you see the comma (,).

Sounds a bit odd, doesn't it? In fact it almost sounds like he pulled a scarf out of someone's chest. But that's not quite what you meant, is it?

Now, let's see what happens when you remove the 'as', change the 'quizzically', delete the very's and make clear statements.

He opened an ornate chest and pulled out a something that was a deep violet color. It was a scarf. I stared at him with my brow furrowed in confusion.

See how everything was stated clearly? He opened...pulled out...it was...I stared. Your readers will have no reason to feel confused.

Notice that both 'as' and 'very' were removed. And that dark purple became 'deep violet'. They are both the SAME color but dark purple is vague because there is no sort of reference point for the reader to cling to. Where as 'deep violet' immediately draws to mind the image of a purple flower so dark it nearly looks black.

Last, go back through the book as it is and WHENEVER you have dialogue and the speaker changes - you MUST create a new paragraph. Otherwise, your readers will be like, 'huh? Who's talking now?'

You NEVER want your readers to be confused. Intrigued, yes. Confused no.

There are some other issues to be addressed - but let's focus on the ones I mentioned FIRST.

1. Nix the 'as' phrases - make them unique action statements.
2. Get rid of words like very, mostly, usually, etc...
3. Yes, you are technically 'telling' a story but to do it well you have to SHOW the scenes through the words you choose.

And remember think of every single chapter in your book as it's own little story with a beginning, middle, and end -- with a cliff hanger to entice your readers to turn the page!

Good luck!

Avery

Vary interesting story, though I would have all the elves butchered by the end of this. But that's me, I'm just a bloodthursty guy! :D