BookRix

Thank you so much for this story. I read all the time and I write some as well. This is beautiful. I so appreciate your ability to create meloncholy scenes with the use of such beautiful wording. I could not stop reading. Honestly, I want to read about the next chapter in Mona and Caroline's lives.

Wow, this book is the very first I've read on this site and it captivated me with how real it was. The situations, emotions and concepts are things even I have walked through.
Not every story has a happy ending, but this one was so much like what really goes on in life. In life you never really get all the answers, and the ending left me thinking. Great job on this book!

This is not only the best story I've read so far on this site, it is among the best I've ever read. And I read a lot.
Good luck to you, not just in this contest, but to your career. You will go far.

You've already got a fan base, and you can add me to it.
I started bawling about half-way through your story. I'm not sure if it was because of the things to come - or the things that were - or the totally unique realness in which you've executed your beautiful story (Pure beauty can make me cry too). I expected a great story from all of the rave reviews, and you certainly lived up to (even surpassed) my expectations.
Best wishes for a long and rewarding writing career.

Robin
P.S. (I'm glad Motzart got to keep his Jackie:)

Hi Alison, I enjoyed your story very much. You've done an ace job of painting a family's nuances and frailties that lie just beneath the surface. I found only a few minor typos that stopped me for only a moment. For instance, on BR page 8 the two words onto should be on to. And on BR page 13, the italic paragraph seemed to need an extra word or two for clarity. A job well done. Wa do, Elizabeth, you have my vote.

I enjoyed your story, it was easy to read and very real. Just a question, though. Who is Julie?

Hi Allison,

Firstly, I wanted to say I like your title. It is creative and draws me to your story.

I like the way you write. You tone is light and connects me well with your protagonist. I could so easily capture the feelings of the sister too. I have a twin sister and we always shared rooms. It makes me laugh about the splitting of the rooms in two. We tried it once with chalk line. Only problem was, she had the window and I had the door. Lol...

I like your character's and you've written well so that I understand each. I have to say, yours is the closest book I think I've read, to some of my favourite authors.

I really like your prose, you mix your writing up with dialogue, thoughts, actions, exposition and backstory. Smooth and lively. Nice simile use, original. You've picked bits of randomness to add to your descriptions. I like the uniqueness of how you've done this.

The mothers dying is so sad, and I love the way you've brought me back to 'this may be true for you, but not for me'. It's sad for Mona that she cannot have help from her mother to come to terms with her dying. It's very isolating and perhaps a bit selfish of mum.

A few grammatical errors, nothing a re-edit won't fix, mainly long sentences without comma's to break it up. I think also, you could shorten your paragraphs, making bite-sized chunks for the reader.

You've used the term 'pink faces', or 'faces flushed pink' three times. It reminds me of my own tendency to keep talking about heads shaking back and forth.

I have a few favourites so far from this website, but I have to say. Your story has outshone all.

Bek :)

Extraordinary story. Wish I'd read this one first, I'd rescind my votes for the other Family Stories entries. You've got some writing chops, ma'am.

For one so young in literal years, you have an awesome talent and wisdom for sensing what makes people tick. At your age I was still too involved with myself to look out at others and try to figure out why people do the things they do. I'm much older now, wiser, and this is why I can relate so well to this story. We all carry our secrets, some of them will go to the grave, as they are meant to.

I have nothing but praise for the plot, characters and setting. You did a grand job of bringing them to full 3D life. I caught a couple typos that you may want to go in and correct, but that's about it. You certainly have earned the vote. I had tears in my eyes when I read the last. Good job.

... missing (the) all the right ones ...
(Extra the needs taken out.)
"Were you ever planning on telling anyone?"
(I wasn't sure if you were shooting for a hesitation with the extra spaces, or if this was a formatting issue. If you do want hesitation, try using an ellipsis. "Were...you...ever ... I think it would work out better for you.)

Most of this story had the main character as Mona. One part her mother called her Julie. Could be you changed the name of the character and missed one?

...that there (does) indeed a hidden city ... (that there (is) indeed a hidden city)

But now, even when what would be the funds have come and gone, I still can't find a point.
(I'm afraid this sounded very awkward. I think I know what you meant, but probably needs to be reworded.)

Great job telling a very emotional and realistic story.
Denna
. . .

Absolutely wonderful...your descriptions were perfect to bring your characters to life..certainly a keeper and a vote...Paula