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Hi Allanah,

I read your story. I think you are on the right path and there's definitley some talent here.

Some parts of the story had me questioning it's realism. This could be due to my work history (social work/Youth work) or it could be my culture so take from it what you will.

In Australia, it would be very unusual for a 16yo to be adopted, especially when we're talking about the state stepping in to remove. I'm not sure what the process is from where you're from though. Also, it would be very unusual for a 16yo to begin calling another man dad. This is not to say it's impossible, but from my experience, unlikely. I once knew of a 16yo girl in fostercare who very quickly informed me and others that they were her mum and dad. She too had lost a mother to suicide and haboured much anger towards her father.

I guess, I'm wondering how much you researched your story.

None the less, I enjoyed your story and read it through till the end. I thought your use of grammar was good and there weren't any repeated use of particular words. Your story flowed well.

I picked up on a couple of spelling errors, which of course we all make even after numerous edits. The didn't ruin my enjoyment of your story, but I thought it might be helpful to point them out.

Good luck with the contest and keep writing.

Bek :)

Alley - pg 1
a dirty trashcans - pg 1
go up quietly' - pg 9
Lima - pg 15

Thanks, Miranda, I'll be entering it straight away.

yes, I'm sure it's alright to enter it for both. It's a bit late to gather up the votes but it's a beautiful little story and I'll vote for it!

Thanks Miranda. I was thinking about entering it in the Family Stories competition but I'm not sure if I'm allowed to because I entered it into the Travel Stories one. Do you know if I can?
Thanks again. I'm really happy that you liked it. :D

What a beautiful story Allanah and so well crafted. I was very relieved that it had a happy ending! You should enter it for the Family Stories competition.

I loved this story. So many children go through abuse every day of their lives. They should all read this and believe there are good people in the world. This story would give them hope.

Thank you for participating in our short
story writing contest "Travel Stories".

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