BookRix

ツ ︀➞ ｗｗｗ．ｄａｔｅ４ｆｕｑ．ｃｏｍ?_ebook-alexas-adkins-my-magical-and-mystical-friends-part-1

You have some really interesting characters in this story, and the beginnings of a good story line. There are a few things you should look into, however, before you add to this.

First, every use of "seen" should be "saw." That's just a hard and fast grammar rule that makes your narrative smoother, and makes it much easier to read. There are a number of other grammar and syntax errors that need to be fixed, but your spelling for the most part is excellent, and your sentence structure is sound.

Second - and please accept this as both constructive criticism and an attempt to help you improve the story - the beginning of this sounds like a rewrite of "Twilight." You simply have too many similarities, like the rainy area she's in, her being in a new school (if I had a dime for every story on this site that started with the main character being a new student and it being the first day of school, I could buy a house, lol), the fact that her vampire characters don't show up on sunny days, the way they hang out together and glare at everyone else...you can "borrow" some of the concepts Stephanie Meyers has developed, but should make just enough of a change so it's more original.

For instance, instead of having the vampires stay away from school on sunny days (seriously - in reality, if a family of students did that, DCF would be all over their parents), maybe you could say that it seemed that only on sunny days, the Von siblings were already at school before everyone else, and didn't go outside all day. You could explain that later, they told Ally that they got to the school before the sun came up, and stayed until dark, or maybe until after everyone had gone home, and then used their super-speed to get into their parents' car. Something like that, so it doesn't sound like you're just copying the whole thing from "Twilight."

Watch your tenses - you keep switching from present to past, and it gets confusing.

Finally (sorry this is so long, but I'd love to see you develop strong writing skills), I know you've heard of Show-And-Tell. We all had that in elementary school when I was growing up, and I'm pretty sure they still do that. Anyway, in writing, there's something called show-not-tell. So far your story is almost entirely "telling." It reads more like a summary or book report than an actual story. Here's how you can fix that:

TELLING: Maya walked through the woods and found her friend lying on the ground. Her friend's ankle was bleeding and she was crying.

SHOWING: Darkness was falling as Maya made her way through the trees, her feet crunching on dead leaves. A soft cry came to her ears and she ran toward it.

"Oh, no! What happened?" She crouched down beside her friend, whose cry had guided Maya there.

"Something bit me," said her friend through clenched teeth.

"Move your hand away." Maya pulled out the small flashlight at the end of her keychain and shined its tiny beam at her friend's ankle. "That's an awful lot of blood."

As you can see, the "showing" version is much longer, but it has to be. It's a matter of taking your idea and expanding it so the reader can become part of the story, and "see" what's going on through the eyes of the main character. That makes the story more exciting, gives it forward movement, and makes the reader want to find out what happens next.

Try expanding your narrative to include dialogue, visual tags (descriptions), action, and shorter, more concise sentences. That's when the reader will get a better idea of what's going on instead of reading an unending list of new character names every few sentences without any real details about their personalities, how they interact, etc.

Let me know if you have any questions. ')