BookRix

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So it's a story about wizards... interesting... But I liked it :) A good start!

I do, however, have some critiques:

First off, you didn't utilize the most important tool in writing: punctuation. Without this, it is almost impossible for a reader to read anything without the pages looking like a big jumble of random words! Put some periods and commas in the story, please.

Second, you need to put in a new line every time the speaker changes, otherwise it gets really, REALLY confusing.

Also, there are several small spelling errors you'll want to fix, though I'd rather have you focus on the punctuation.

Here's an example of what I mean:

You wrote:

"Feet slapping across the pavement there was 20 almost 30 things not people things hey had weapons "get her!" cried a raspy voice."

As you can see, there are several sentences in this one 'sentence'. All this could be rearranged as such:

"The heavy fall of 20, almost 30 pairs of nasty feet slapped across the thick pavement. Things, not people, were chasing her. And they had weapons!
"Get her!" cried a raspy voice."

Now, the story is very interesting! It took me a while to make sense of everything, thought, since there was no punctuation ;) I still like it! The beginning was interesting.

To add to that, the dialogue was a bit hard to follow, but very cute when I figured it out.

One thing you should watch out for is switching in-between tenses. You starts in first person, and then switched to third! Be consistent. I believe that's the most important thing in writing.

Overall, it was good. You just need to fix the spelling and punctuation.

It's a nice, quick start to a story that will really hook a reader when it's edited.
So fix that punctuation and this book will be a good read! :)

Good job!
Keep writing!

---RbG